I missed my period
This wasn’t the first time it happened
It’s something my body does
It sometimes doesn’t like backaches and three funny days
Maybe it doesn’t understand womanhood
It lacks the flow

The previous month was just a drop
No pain
No cramping
Just a flower patch on my pair of shorts and that was it

No cause for alarm
Again, my body just acts this way sometimes
Till I started throwing up
A week into it,
some mentioned that I was pregnant

Hmmm... Just a big stomach?
Okay I can handle that
The test said I was 16 weeks pregnant
For a moment... two or so months,
I was just struck
By the time I was figuring myself out,
I was Six months pregnant
And the life in me was moving... Trying to play but baby
This is no game...

I'm a poet... Most of the poets I know have written letters inform of poems to their future children
And child... I don't know what to say to you

I'm scared
I don't know what to say
How I'm I carrying life inside of me when I feel so dead?
I'm so broken,
How will I receive you?

I'm confused
I'm afraid I'll fail
I'm afraid you'll see it in my eyes
I'm afraid they'll point fingers
I'm scared
I'm afraid of hurting you
I don't want to hurt you
I don't even love myself... And I'm supposed to love you

9months are gone and my whole body aches
You want to get out of it
And I'm scared
A part of me wants to die
The bigger part of me is already dead
After 37hours of pain
I'm rushed to theatre

I can't feel my legs
The doctors do what they have to do
They pull you out
You cry like you are mourning
Everyone in the room notices that
I want to tell them that you've been in a dead being through out but I'm just....tired

Baby
I'm scared

I confirm your sex

They take you out to clean you
I'm taken back to the ward after intensive surgery
I'm still freaking out
I don't want them to bring you to me
How will I look at you with this fear in my eyes?
What will I say to you?

After one and a half hours of waiting
The nurse says she's going to bring you to me so we can finally meet
At least eye to eye
I want to ask her to wait

Please give me a few more minutes
I'm not ready
This has felt like surrogacy all through
It's like you are mine but your not
Its like you belong in the future

I don't say anything
Finally,
You are brought to me
I breakdown before holding you
Everyone thinks it's the joy
No one knows it's the fear
I hold you...
I don't know what to say

I chat a little prayer to God
I ask him to always give you Joy
I don't even know what name to give you

The spirit whispers a name -KENA-
It means -Be happy-

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